


In Times of...

by Acacia_Mac



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon, Inspired by Real Events, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-16
Updated: 2004-10-18
Packaged: 2018-12-26 16:58:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12063240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acacia_Mac/pseuds/Acacia_Mac
Summary: Lieutenant Justin Taylor is a fighter pilot in the U.S. Navy, and meets Brian through Vic.  Will something develop between the men from only letters?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

22 August 2000 

Dear Brian, 

To say that I was shocked to hear from anyone besides Vic would be an understatement. And no, I’m not really upset that he shared my letters to him with you. I think it’s great. Maybe it’s being out here… so far from home. I don’t know really. Just getting anything from home right now is all I really want. Scratch that, it’s what I need to be able to get through this long deployment. So thank-you. I hope we can continue this writing thing. I think we have a lot in common… who knows. 

I guess you’ve heard all about me from Vic. You know my whole life. Hell, if there’s anything you’re curious about you can ask him. I’m nothing really special. Really, I’m not. Despite what Vic states. He’s biased. 

I know a lot of people think that I’m crazy. Being who I am and serving. It’s what I always wanted to do, I guess. For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted to be was a fighter pilot. I guess my grandfather had a lot more influence than anyone thought. I remember listening to his stories of his time during the war, and I wanted that same thing. I wanted my child to grow up to be proud of me, I guess. So here I am. 

Of course I wouldn’t mind hearing about you. You’re an Advertising Exec? What exactly do you do? How long have you been doing that? Do you have anyone in your life? Any children? Is that too many questions? Sorry, I’m intrigued. You seem like a very interesting person and I would like to get to know you better. 

Let’s see. Me. As I’m sure you know I’ve been in the Navy now about seven years or so now. Of course quite a few of those years were schooling and training. But that’s okay. I don’t have anyone in my life. Don’t know if I’m just too scared to even attempt it, or just waiting for the right person to come along. As you know it’s not easy being who we are and trying to serve. The whole mess here isn’t real conducive to being ‘real’. So am I a terrible person for hiding? I don’t know. I just know that I like being a pilot, and it’s not like I deny who I am all the time. That’s what leave is for, right? 

I do have a child, though. My best friend wanted a child, and I said why not. Lucas Alexander Taylor. He’s just a year old, but already I can’t see my life without him. Luckily I guess, Daphne takes care of him while I’m out to sea. I do get to spend some time with him. It’s not easy… not at all. It hurts really. All I want to do is spend all my time with him, never leave his side, but that just can’t happen. 

God, listen to me. Here I am just going on and on. I should let you go. I wouldn’t mind it if you wrote, but I also would understand if you didn’t. Thank-you, though. I can’t tell you how much this letter means to me. 

I better finish this up so it can go out on the mail pick-up. Take care of yourself. I hope to hear from you soon. 

Until Later,   
Justin Craig Taylor, LT(jg)   
USN – ‘Sunshine’ 

~~~~~~~~~~

Brian set the letter down on his desk and leaned back. He never thought that he would actually get a reply back from the young man who had already captured his heart. In the two years since Vic moved to Pittsburgh, Brian had been allowed to see a glimpse of this young man from the letters and pictures that they would get on a regular basis. Brian would always seek a glance at the letters when Vic wasn’t looking. Vic quickly caught on and started to leave the letters to where Brian could easily find them. 

Brian found himself enraptured by this young man, serving in the military. He had never thought that he would have ever cared about anyone who would hide who they were and work for someone like the government. But Justin Taylor was different. Brian would be caught up in the stories of shipboard life, and way Justin would explain what he felt like while flying. Brian wished he felt as free as Justin does while he flies. 

Finally one day, Vic came to Brian and handed him the latest letter. Vic told him that he should just write to Justin; get to know the young man. It took two months for Brian to finally sit down and write a letter to this virtual stranger. Now he had Justin’s reply. A short simple letter… but something that could be the start of something big. At least that’s what Brian hoped would happen. 

Brian was tired of being who he was. He didn’t care anymore about spending all night at the clubs, fucking anyone who moved. He wanted what Justin had. He wanted his son … or daughter to be proud of him. He wanted to make an impression, to leave his mark. 

It was so unlike him. Falling for someone that he had never met before… hell falling for someone period. Brian had never believed in love, or fate or any other shit like that. But for some reason, he had felt something immediate for Justin. It couldn’t be easy for the young man to be doing something that he loves doing… but hiding his true nature. He respected Justin. Especially now, hearing that he had a son. 

Brian smiled at the thought of what he would do when he finally met the young pilot. Would there be a connection? Would they just be friends? Lovers? Who knew? All Brian knew was that he was willing to try. He wanted to get to know the young man, even if it was from afar. 

Brian opened the desk drawer and pulled out a large pad of paper. Who knows? This could be something. 

~~~~~~~~~~

September 2, 2000  
Dear Justin, 

To say that I was amazed you actually wrote me back would be an understatement. I wasn’t sure how you would take to a complete stranger writing to you. Of course I’m glad that you didn’t have a problem with me looking at the letters that you sent Vic. If it was a problem I do apologize for it. 

You have been sort of a celebrity to us. You’re all Vic talks about. The son he never had. It’s strange hearing him talk about you, and I guess I just had to know more. 

Lindsey, my lesbian friend, told me that she is due anytime now. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. I never thought about having kids, never thought I could be a good father. I guess time will tell. But hey… I’m just the sperm donor right? Technically I don’t have to be a part of the kid’s life. I don’t know. I guess I’ll see what I feel when he’s born. 

What I do know is that you intrigue me. You at least seem to be smart, caring… brave as hell. I don’t know if I could do what you do everyday. But reading your stories about what it feels like… the freedom you feel. I realized that I want that in my life. Everything here is rush, rush. It’s like getting fucked without lube… and not in a good way either. I don’t know. I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and there’s nothing I can do to try and fix it, to change it. Am I making any sense at all? 

I’ve never been good at words. I’m the type of person who would sit there and let things just bounce right off of me. I give this air of ‘I-don’t-give-a-shit’. At times I even pull it off. Fuck me. For years I have prided myself on only caring about myself. Fuck everyone else. But then reading just a couple of your letters… fuck. My life has changed. I don’t now if it’s good or bad. Time will tell on that part too. Who knows, maybe people can change. 

So I guess that answers some of your questions. No, I don’t have anyone in my life. At least never long term. I believe in getting in and out with the maximum of pleasure and the minimum of bullshit. It may not be right, but it’s me. I never fuck anyone twice. Relationships, as I have learned over the years, can be one big pain in the ass. I don’t have what it takes to be with someone full time. It may change, who knows. Maybe someone can teach me what love is, show me a different path. 

What else… oh yeah. I have been working for this firm for a couple of years now. I’m one of the top execs here, I might add. Let’s just say I’m good at getting people to do things – get things – that they normally wouldn’t. It’s easy for me, but there’s still that small challenge to it as well. It’s satisfying, most of the time. 

Shit. I have no idea why I am telling you all this shit. I have never before in my life said as much as I have in this letter. Never! Maybe it has something to do with you? Fuck if I know. 

Anyway, I should let you go for now. I have a ton of shit to do, and you need to protect the world. Take care. 

Later,   
Brian 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

Justin laid on his rack aboard the Washington, a small smile playing across his lips. He had received a letter from both Brian and Vic, and he had to keep from laughing out loud. Vic had talked about Brian, and how he had seen the older man worked diligently on the letter to Justin. Of course Vic mentioned that Brian had written like four copies before he finally settled on the one Justin had received. 

Justin wasn’t sure which letter he loved the most. The letter that Brian had disregarded, and Vic had sent, or the one he had actually received from the man. All Justin knew was that it really didn’t matter. He now had three letters from the man he was quickly finding intriguing. He was getting to know Brian better, and he only hoped that one day he would be able to see the man for real. 

Setting the letters to the side, Justin looked up at his friend and RIO who had just come into the room. Justin was lucky that he didn’t have to hide who he really was with this man. They had been through so much in their time in the Navy, starting off at Flight School. 

Lieutenant Jose ‘Viper’ Valerio grew up on the wrong side of the track. He was the only one in a family of eight who had gone to college. He had told Justin that he was doing this so he could help his family. Valerio was the only one that Justin had entrusted his secret to; the only one he knew he could trust. Of course, Valerio wasn’t any help, since the other man had always been trying to fix Justin up with someone – trying to get the young man laid. Justin only shook his head at his friend’s attempts to understand. 

And understand Valerio did. Justin had learned that the other man’s oldest brother was gay, and he had worked hard to understand who his brother was. Valerio had sworn that he would never tell another soul… at least until Justin was free from the Navy, or until Justin said it was okay. The whole ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy by the military was a complete farce, both knew. And Justin wasn’t ready to give up his life yet. 

“Christa sends her love.” Valerio stated as he sat down in the rack beside Justin. “She sent a picture of Kelly.” The man stated as he handed Justin a picture of his wife and child. 

Justin smiled at his godchild. “She’s going to be breaking a lot of hearts in school. You’re going to have to be beating the guys off with a stick.” 

Valerio raised his eyebrows and looked a little shaken. “Can we please at least get her out of diapers first? Christ! The kid’s only three months old… and besides, she’s not allowed to date until she’s fifty.” 

Justin laughed, shaking his head. “If Daphne has her way, Kel and Lucas will be married by the time they’re 18. You know… both mixed babies, and all. She wants her own little UN.” 

“Daph is already starting on Christa, telling her how our kids will get married and shit. Can you imagine the kids they may have? Fuck!” Valerio laughed, lying down on the rack. “Let’s see… Irish, English, Black, Latino, and Asian… fuck me!” 

Justin rolled over onto his side so he could look at his friend. “I know what you mean. Maybe we need to talk to our ‘other halves’ and get it straightened out. God knows, they kids have enough problems as is.” He said as he handed the picture back. 

“I know. At least the other kids here are pretty cool about it with Lucas. Hell with half of them being ‘non-American’ it only makes sense, I guess.” Valerio stated as he looked at the picture of his family. He missed them, and he knew that Justin missed his. He only wished that Justin didn’t have to live a lie, that his friend could be himself without having to worry about getting kicked out, or worse – killed. “So what do you have there?” He asked looking over to the letters beside Justin. 

Justin looked down at the letters, and smiled. “Oh a letter from Vic… and well… one from Brian.” 

“Brian? Do tell.” Valerio stated as he sat up in his rack, immediately intrigued. He saw Justin look toward the door, and Valerio immediately got up and shut it so no one could hear. “So?” He asked sitting back down. “This is the same guy who wrote you before? You know the one who had you flying on cloud nine for three days after.” 

“Shut up,” Justin stated, throwing his pillow at the other man. “And to answer your question… yes. The same one.” 

“So? Come on here... don’t keep me in suspense.” 

Justin sat up in his rack and leaned in a little to his friend. “I don’t know. I know I want to get to know him.” Justin shrugged and looked down at his hands. “I don’t know if it will become anything, I mean, I haven’t even met the man… he could be some complete fairy or something. But I want to. Even if it’s just someone who I can talk to besides Vic… I don’t know. I think I owe it to myself to at least try.” 

Valerio sat there and looked at his friend. He hoped that this would turn into something for his friend. Justin was always trying to do stuff for them – always giving – it was time for Justin to get something in return. “Well in two weeks, we’re on leave. You always take Lucas to see his Grandma. Who knows… maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for.” 

Justin glanced up at his friend and smiled. “Who knows?” He answered. “Who knows?” 

~~~~~~~~~~

13 September 2000 

Dear Brian, 

I guess I want to thank-you for your letter. I can’t tell you what it means for someone to get something from home. Anything. When you’re out here for so long… home just seems so far away. I guess that’s why getting letters and stuff means so much to many of us. It keeps us going. 

I can’t even begin to describe to you what it’s like. Being away from everyone for six months at a time… stuck on his ‘floating city’, only seeing land every once in a while. Yeah, we go ashore, but it’s just not the same. It’s not the same as coming home everyday, seeing the look on my son’s face, holding him. Nothing can replace that. 

When the ship comes into port… when we have to land out planes back at Oceana. Seeing Daphne and Lucas there, waiting… it makes it all worth it. I just wish that I didn’t miss so much of my son’s life. But that’s just the way of things… I knew what I was getting myself into when I agreed to father a child with Daphne. I knew what I would miss. 

Somehow, it still hurts. It never gets easier. But I survive. It’s the way of things. I know I’m doing what I have to do, and I know it’s the right thing for me. I know a lot of guys here that once they get on this ship… it’s like they have nothing. They act like they aren’t married… like they don’t’ have a family waiting at home for them, worrying about them. I don’t think I could ever do that. I’m doing this for my family, I’m trying to make their life better. I don’t think I could ever forget them. Ever. 

I know you really don’t want to hear about that, but it’s just something that is on my mind all the time. Sorry for unloading all of that on you. 

Anyway, we’ve just left Spain, and we’re on our way across the ocean now. Heading back home… thank God. It’s been a long cruise, and I can’t wait to get home. I want to be able to take a shower without hundred of people around. I want to be able to eat what I want… not what’s been prepared for five thousand people. I want to wear what I want, I want to sleep in a bed… not a rack. 

I know… I know. I asked for this. It’s just the little things that I miss, the things I remember taking for granted when I was growing up. 

Well enough about me… I think I’ve bitched enough for one letter. 

Has Lindsey had the baby yet? Are you excited? I can’t wait to see all of you. I am going to be there, in Pittsburgh. When we touch land again, I am taking Lucas and we’re going to visit my mom. Did I tell you she lives there now? I can’t remember. Anyway, I was hoping that maybe we could meet. I wouldn’t mind putting a face to the letters. Just let me know. Or let Vic know. I’ll definitely call him before I get there. 

Anyway, I better get going. Valerio’s and my time is up for patrol, so I need to go. Oh, I didn’t tell you about him. Valerio is my RIO. He’s a great guy. I’ll tell you more about him in the next letter, I promise. I think you would like him. 

Later,   
Justin


	2. In Times of...

October 2, 2000

Justin, 

How the hell did we miss each other? Sorry, I just can’t believe that you were here for a week, and we didn’t see each other. I guess, it just wasn’t meant to be – us meeting yet. 

Vic told me that he wanted to keep it a surprise, and since you had never mentioned in your letter when you would be here… Oh well. Fuck it. 

I’m sorry I missed you though. I really wanted to put a face to the name. Of course now with all the damn pictures that Deb has littered across her house, I have an idea. Fuck! Now I really wish that I was there. 

You don’t look anything like I had pictured you, that’s for sure. Could you look any younger? You look about 15. 

Sorry, I really shouldn’t be an ass, I just am upset that I missed your visit. I know that you don’t get much time off to come here, and knowing that you were here and I had to be out of town… 

Well, Vance, my business partner, had me go to fucking buttfuck Wisconsin for some new client. Is there anything in that damn state besides cheese? I almost had a heart attack seeing these hats that looked like chunks of cheese. What is that? I knew they were strange up there, but that even surprised me. 

So anyway, how was your vacation? What did you do? Vic said he had a great time, and Deb won’t stop talking about Lucas. Lindsey told me you met Gus. And yes, I’m happy. I never thought I would be, you know. Be happy. I never thought that seeing something that I helped create, that a small child could affect me so much. You were right… a child is a wonderful thing. 

I only hope that I don’t screw it up. I hope that I can be a good father to him. 

See that’s the thing you don’t know about me. One of many, I guess. But anyway, my parents were for shit – both worthless pieces of shit. Broken home doesn’t even begin to describe the hell I went through living under that roof. I got out of there as quickly as I could, never once wanting to look back. 

Holding Gus in my hands though… I knew that I would do everything in my power to make Gus happy. I would never raise a hand to him… never regret the day he was born. He will never doubt that I care about him. 

Anyway, Emmett is madly in love with you. I swear he is already planning your commitment ceremony. Is there something I should know, Sunshine? No, seriously, Emmett just can’t stop raving about you. Of course he’s telling me all this shit about you. I think – and he’s not denying it – that he’s trying to set us up or something. 

I only wish that I had been able to see you. I don’t know where any of this shit may lead to… I don’t know if I want to predict. For now, I’m enjoying our letters – the getting to know you. I am enjoying the mystery. 

I guess we’ll just have to settle for letters. At least until we can actually find a time when we are both in the same damn city at the same time. Wouldn’t that fucking be novel? 

Well, listen. I’ll let you go for now, but you know, you can call or e-mail me anytime. Day or night. Whenever you are feeling the need for a little something of home. I’ll be here. 

Letters are great, but I think it’s limited. How can we really get to know each other if we can’t talk for real. 

Until later,   
Brian. 

~~~~~~~~~~

TO: bkinney@vangard.net   
FROM: LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com   
DATE: October 06, 2000 1643PM   
SUBJECT: Hey there. 

Brian,   
Hey, I hope you don’t mind me e-mailing you. I’m at home right now, just sitting here watching Lucas play with his toys. I guess, this can be an easy way for us to get in contact with each other while I’m not out to sea… or even when I am. 

If you can’t reach me at this account you can try my ‘official’ account at LTJ_Taylor@VFW24.usnavy.gov . We just have to watch what we say of course, but that’s something I can’t help. If you want something personal however, you can always send it to my hotmail account. 

So anyway, I was sitting here thinking about shit, just watching my son. Daphne right now is at work. Valerio and his family are coming over tonight for dinner. 

I did promise you a story didn’t I? Okay… 

Viper’s (Valerio) been a good friend to me. He’s the only one that I work with… the only one in the Navy who really knows me. Viper’s his callsign, if you couldn’t figure that out. 

Let’s see… we met while we were at Flight school. It was hate at first sight… well almost. Let’s just say we clashed. Jose Valerio. He was this punk Latino who thought he was better than everyone else. Or at least that’s the way he portrayed himself. Once we got past his BS, we started to get along. I respect him. He’s one of eight children. Poor income family from the Bronx, type situation. But over time, I got past his exterior. By the time we got out of that damn school we were inseperatable. 

Viper’s the only one… the ONLY one in the Navy, or connected to the Navy whom I know I can trust with the truth. In fact he often tries to hook me up with his older brother who is gay. Ha, fat chance of that happening. 

We’ve been in some tight spots, and I know that I can trust him with my life. I mean anyone who would be willing to dogfight with a Mig-29 at Mach 1, and NOT be in charge of where you go… trusting someone else to get you out of there alive… well it takes a lot to put your life in someone else’s hands. He trusts me to get him home every time, and I trust him to watch my back up there. 

He’s the brother I never had. I don’t know what I would do without him. 

So that’s our story. We’ve been partners in the air since the day we came out of flight school. We both were assigned to the Diamondbacks, and years later… we’re still here. 

Now as for the trip up there… well it was fun. I always have fun on leave. Granted I only took a week so that I can take some more time before I ship out again. I still have a little over four weeks on the books, and I’m getting close to the ‘use it or lose it’ time, so but I don’t want to waste all of it. At least now, I’ll be set to start fresh. 

Guys ask me why I’m not using my leave time, but I guess I’m just saving it all up. I want to save it up so one day I can just take a whole month off. Who knows, I might have someone to share my time with. 

Emmett… he’s funny. A little too.. umm, eccentric for me. He’s definitely proud to be who he is. I admire that. Ted seems a little shy, maybe. He really didn’t talk much, but he seems like a good guy. Ben is nice. We talked about everything. Of course I think he was picking my brain for something he can talk about in his class. We talked about the whole military policy regarding gays and stuff. It was fun talking about my view on it… the inside view. 

Deb is… what can I say to describe her. She hasn’t changed from the last time I met her. I missed her, and Vic. It was great to see them both. It was the first time, however, that I met Michael. I had heard about him of course, from Deb and Vic, but we had never met before now. I don’t know if he likes me too much. Oh well, I guess that’s life. I can somewhat understand it. I mean, I had the type of relationship with Vic that he never had. I don’t know, but I’m not going to worry about it. 

Gus… he is precious. You are so lucky. I can tell that he will be well loved and he will never want for anything. Mel and Lindsey, I know will care for him, and I know that you will be there fore him. He’s one lucky little boy. 

I wish we had met when I was there too. I don’t know what I would do if we actually met, but I know that something is telling me I have to see you. I have to meet you. Does that make any sense? 

Well since I’m beginning to get all ‘lesbo’ on you, I think I will let you go. 

Later,   
Justin 

~~~~~~~~~~

TO: LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com   
FROM: bkinney@vangard.net   
DATE: November 24, 2000 02:14PM   
SUBJECT: What I would do 

Justin,   
Let’s see, what would I do to you if and when we actually meet. 

Fuck, I don’t even know what I would do… well I know what I would like to do. But then again we have only been ‘talking’ for a couple of months now. And we know about each other is what is written, or told to us by our ‘friends’. Maybe I’m crazy, but I want to get to know you better. More than what a letter or e-mail or phone call can tell me. 

I want to be able to look into your eyes and see what everyone is talking about. I want to see how you can light up a room with your smile as everyone tells me it can. I want to have some fucking memories. 

You are slowly worming your way into my life, Justin, and we haven’t even met. Is it possible to be attracted to someone you never even met? Is it possible to fall in love? 

I don’t know, but I know I want to get to know you better. I want to meet your son, see what I’m going to have to go through with Gus. I want to know what life is like when you have someone you can feel something to. I want … hell, I want a lot of things. 

When are you coming home again? Any idea? I know I’m going to be here come hell or high water. Vance isn’t going to screw me out of this. 

Just let me know… or call. I want to get to know the person I’ve been spilling my guts to. More than what I can ever find out by just words on a piece of paper. 

Later,   
Brian   
**Nervous as hell, and scared to death.** 

~~~~~~~~~~

TO: bkinney@vangard.net   
FROM: LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com   
DATE: November 24, 2000 1558PM   
SUBJECT: Coming Home 

Brian, 

Why are you nervous? You have no reason to be nervous or scared. I feel the same way you do. I have never been in love… at least it’s nothing like what I am feeling for you. What I find myself feeling for you. 

Is it strange to fall in love with someone that you have never met? I don’t know, but I think I am. It has only been a little over two months since we had started this writing back and forth, and with each letter I am finding myself liking the person who is being revealed to me. Each letter gives me just a little more of you… of who you are, and I am liking that person. 

Yeah, I’m not blind, however. I have heard stories about you, but I can honestly say… whoever those stories are about… they are not you. At least not the person I’m getting to know. 

I can’t wait to meet you for real. 

There’s a part of me that feels like this is all a dream (and damn the dreams I’m having… FUCK!). I want to see for myself that you are real. I want to see if what I’m feeling is real, and can be developed into something more. 

It’s something I need to do. 

Even if it doesn’t turn into something ‘more’, I know that I like you enough to have a solid friendship with. But let me tell you, I want to explore the possibility of a hell of a lot more. 

I am planning on being home the first week in January. Daphne’s family is coming down to spend Christmas with Lucas, so I won’t be there for that. In fact starting next week until just after Christmas I will be out to sea. It’s not much, just some trials that need to be done. ‘Military readiness’ they say. Well, they say so I go. 

I hate that I’ll miss Christmas, but I guess it’s not too bad. Daphne said that she’s going to take Lucas up there to my mom’s for the New Year, so I will head up there to pick him up. I hope that we can meet up while I’m there. 

I will still be checking this account everyday, hoping for a little word from you. But I promise you, that the second I get my ticket information I will let you know. I can’t wait to actually see you. Hopefully we can finally meet face to face. 

Later,   
Justin 

~~~~~~~~~~

“This is Diamond four zero two, on final approach.” 

“Roger four zero two, you are cleared to land. Up two degrees… left .05. Reduce speed by five knots. The decks all yours four zero two.” Came the response from the flight deck. 

The plane touched the deck, and both pilot and RIO felt the plane come to a rapid stop as the tailhook did its work. The pilot taxied the plane off to right, and began to shut the systems down. “Just another day in the United States Navy. Join the Navy… it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure,” ‘Viper’ stated as he began to unhook himself from the back of the plane. “What a joke! Not that I’m saying it’s all bad… hey, I love this shit… but could they at least have a decent meal on this floating city once in a while.” 

The pilot shook his head as he followed his RIO out of the plane. “What don’t you love that ‘fine, fine, Navy chow,” he laughed. “It’s full of the proper nutrition. It helps build strong bones.” 

“Strong boner you mean. Fuck. Thank God, we’ll be back in homeport in two days. I can’t wait to take some serious R and R. Christa is holding off Christmas until we dock. She doesn’t want me to miss Kel’s first Christmas.” Viper stated. “What about you, Jus? You going home to your mom’s for leave, right?” 

Justin just smiled at his long time friend and RIO. “Yep. Mom said that Lucas wants to go to the zoo with his daddy. So, I promised him that I would be home by the end of the week. Two whole weeks. I so fucking need this leave.” 

“It sucks that we had to miss the holidays with the family, but at least the kids had their mothers. And you get to celebrate it with your mom and sister, right?” Valerio asked. Seeing Justin nod in agreement, Valerio palced his hand on Justin’s shoulder and leaned in a little. “And maybe you might see that hot stud you have been swooning over for the past couple of months. Finally get some.” 

Justin lightly pushed his friend into the bulkhead as they made their way to de-briefing with the CAG. As the two friends made their way through the p-ways, they passed by the Officer’s mess and ran right into a fellow pilot. “You hear the scuttlebutt?” Stated one pilot who came up to Justin and Valerio. “Crystal is getting grounded.” 

“What? What the fuck for?” Justin asked. ‘Crystal’ or Catherine Hall was one of the best female pilots that Justin had seen in a long time. She was a 5.0 pilot, and nothing could faze her. 

The other pilot shrugged. “Some say that she’s screwing one of the green-shirts. But hey that’s just the scuttlebutt.” 

Valerio shook his head. He had known Crystal from High School, and they were like brother and sister. “That’s bullshit, and you know it. I won’t have you spreading shit like that about a fellow pilot, Carl. If anyone is fucking anyone it’s you.” Valerio stated getting right into the other pilot’s face. 

“Whoa. Fighting won’t get us anywhere. Just back-down, Viper.” Justin turned from his irate RIO to stare at Carl. “If I were you, I would keep your mouth shut. If you want to talk shit… take it somewhere else. Until then… I suggest you keep the hell away from us.” 

“You ask me… she deserves what she gets. She doesn’t belong here. Woman do not belong as pilots, and this just proves it.” Carl stated and Justin had to hold Viper back from ripping the other man’s throat out. “I’m not the only one who feels that way… If you knew what was good for you… you’d let her hang herself.” With that the other pilot left. 

“Fucker!” Viper yelled. “I better go talk to her. This is bullshit.” He turned and left Justin standing in the p-way. Justin ran his hand through his hair and followed his friend toward the CAG’s office. Maybe they all needed a break away from this ship before they went on another cruise in a month. 

If things didn’t calm down some, by the end of their six month cruise they would all kill each other.


	3. In Times of...

Justin pulled his rental into the driveway of his childhood home. No matter how much he loved being on his own, living the life he was – there was nothing like coming home. Nothing could ever replace the feeling he would get every time he saw his mother’s house. 

“Daddy,” came the cry as Justin put the car in park. Justin had enough time to open the door before the small bundle of energy came crashing into him. “I miss you, daddy.”

Justin smiled and held his son close to his body. “I missed you too, buddy.”

“Pesent?”

“You think I got you something? Is that all you want?” Justin laughed as he held his son away from him, pretending to be hurt. 

“Loves you, daddy.” Lucas stated with a small, innocent smile on his lips. Justin rolled his eyes at his son’s tactics. He could face the enemy at mach 2 and 5,000 feet in the air with no problems… but his son could get past all of his defenses. 

Justin picked up his son, and reached in for his seabag. “I might have something for you in here. If you’re good.”

“Justin get your butt in this house now. Lunch is almost ready.” Justin’s mother stated from the door with a smile on her face. When Justin walked up the last couple of steps to stand in front of her, she could only pull him into a tight hug. “Molly wanted to skip the birthday party of her best friend to be here when you got here. But I wouldn’t let her.” she went on to say as they made their way into the house. 

“She is such a freak.” Justin laughed shaking his head. Justin almost forgot what it was like in the Taylor household. Since his father’s death, they had learned to rely on each other. Justin became a father figure to his sister, making sure that she was always cared for while their mother worked to keep the family going. Most of his paycheck went to his family in order to care for their needs. It wasn’t the same as being there in person, but it helped. As soon as Justin placed his bag on the floor of the living room, he held his son closer to him. “It’s good to be home.”

Jenn placed her hand on Justin’s back and smiled. “It’s good to have you home.” Jenn watched her son and grandson sit on the floor and play. She could see how much Justin missed his son, and how much it affected him. She hated that he ever had to be away, but she knew that Justin was doing what was best for his family. “Oh, Vic called. He wanted to know when you were going to stop over. He also invited you over to his sister’s for dinner tonight.”

“Really?” Justin said looking up from his spot on the floor. Justin reached over to the end table and grabbed the portable phone. Dialing a number he knew by heart, Justin smiled when he heard his ‘adopted father’ on the other end. “What’s this about dinner?”

“Justin! So you made it home in one piece… this snow didn’t keep you away?” Vic asked. 

Justin shook his head as he ran a hand over his son’s hair. “Nothing could have kept me away.” He stated. “What time is dinner?”

Justin heard Vic laugh slightly, and he gave a small smile himself. He missed his family. “Dinner starts at 6:30, but you’re more than welcome to come early. Of course Lucas must be here as well.”

“Of course. By the way, we’re going to have our own little Christmas tomorrow. You’re coming right?” Justin asked. When he got Vic to agree, Justin sat back against the couch and watched his son run around the house. He couldn’t believe how much the young man had grown in the past couple of weeks. Every time he went away, Lucas grew so much. Justin was just happy he was actually home when his son had taken his first steps. Of course now, the young man never stopped. “Do you know if Brian is around?” Justin asked trying to hide the hope in his voice.

Vic laughed. “He is. And he will be here tonight. He can’t wait to meet you.”

Justin bit his lower lip, thinking of what it would be like to finally meet Brian. Finishing up the call, Justin pulled his son onto his lap. “You wanna go see Grampa Vic after lunch?” Justin asked his son. 

“Yeah!” Lucas wiggled from his father’s grasp and ran toward his room. “Gampa!”

Justin stood and stretched, getting the kinks out of his body. “Mom, we’re going over to Vic’s. Are you going to meet us over there?” Justin sat down at the table and took a bite out of the sandwich there. “Lucas, come and have some lunch.” Justin called out to his son. 

“You should have waited to tell him about going to see Vic until AFTER lunch.” Jenn stated with a smile on her face. “You know how he gets when he’s excited.”

Justin smiled with his head down. He glanced up at his mother, looking every bit like the child coming into the room. “But you love us, mom.” He stated with a small smile.

“And people wonder where HE gets it from.” Jenn said shaking her head pointing to Lucas. Lifting him up into his booster seat, she stole a quick look over at her son and grandson. When Justin had told her that he was gay, she thought that she would never have a grandchild. But luck was on her side, and she had the best grandchild she could ever hope for. Lucas was so much like his father, that it pulled at her heartstrings. She knew that she would do anything for that small boy who looked so much like his father did at that age. 

It didn’t matter to her that he was ‘different’. To her, nothing mattered except the fact that he was happy and healthy. Instead of Justin’s blond hair, Lucas was graced with beautiful dark brown locks. Instead of blue eyes, they were hazel. Jenn knew that she would do anything for him. She didn’t care if the others in the ‘country club’ scene didn’t approve of him… she did and that was what mattered. Lucas would have enough problems growing up; she wasn’t going to add to them. Shaking her head to clear her mind, Jenn reached out and grabbed a hold of Justin’s hand. “I’m really glad that you’re here.”

Justin turned his hand over so he could hold onto her hand. “I’m glad to be home too. I’ve missed you, mom.”

“Gampa, now?” Lucas asked his father, causing the blond to smile. 

“I guess he wants to go.”

~~~~~~~~~~

“He’s here.” Vic stated as he looked out the window as a black SUV pulled up. “This should be interesting.” He said with a smile.

Brian leaned back in the chair, trying to appear unaffected by just the idea that Justin was there. After the months of letters, of getting to know one another, the time had come to finally meet the one man who had filled his dreams every night. He could feel his heart beat a little faster in his chest as the door opened and a small boy came rushing into the house followed by the most beautiful blond man Brian had ever seen. 

“Gampa!” the small boy yelled as he jumped up and right into the arms of Vic. Looking over his grandfather’s shoulder, he saw a strange man sitting in one of the recliners. “Who dat?”

Vic turned with Lucas on his hip and stepped closer to Brian. “This is a friend. Lucas Taylor, I want you to meet Brian Kinney.”

Brian reached out and shook the young boy’s hand. “Nice to meet you Lucas.”

“Are you my daddy’s boyfriend?” The young boy asked. 

Justin turned bright red, and rolled his eyes. “Lucas.” Justin lightly scolded. Stepping around Vic, Justin held out his hand to Brian. “We finally meet.” He said with a smile.

Brian felt his breath catch in his chest at the full-fledge smile that he had been graced with. Slowly he stood and stepped closer to Justin to pull the young man into a hug. “I think we’re beyond a little handshake, don’t you think?” Brian could feel Justin’s hands wrap around his body. He could feel the tightening in his groin at the feeling of the Justin’s body against his. 

Justin leaned back and looked up at Brian, not wanting to break the hold on the other man. He was enjoying the heat coming from Brian. He felt like it was warming him from the inside out. “It’s good to finally put a face to the name.” He said with a smile as he ran his hand lightly over Brian’s cheek. Taking a deep breath, Justin slowly pulled out of Brian’s arms. He didn’t want to leave the warmth of the other man’s embrace, but he knew he couldn’t stay in those arms forever. Turning around to Vic he reached over to take his son. “Who all is going to be here tonight?” He asked making sure not to get too far from Brian. 

As the three men talked, Justin sat on the floor beside Brian’s chair. Never in his life had Justin felt this type of instant reaction to anyone. Never had he felt the jolt of electricity that he had felt shoot through his body from just the brief contact he had with the other man. For some reason he didn’t want to be away from the man. Justin wasn’t sure what he was feeling, but he knew he liked the feeling.

When Justin put Lucas down for a nap he went to help Vic cook their dinner, always keeping an eye on Brian. By the time the others had arrived, Brian and Justin had helped Deb and Vic set the table. Dinner was great, and Justin felt like he had been accepted into a new family. It even looked like his mother was having a good time, which pleased Justin. Of course, Lucas was the life of the party along with Brian’s own son, Gus.

Jenn offered to take Lucas with her to put him into bed for the night, so that Justin could stay a little longer. “We’re going to Woodys’. Want to come?” Emmett asked Justin.

Justin looked over at his new friend and shrugged. “I don’t know. I really should get back home. I haven’t really spent much time with Lucas, and …”

Vic sat down next to Justin and placed his hand on Justin’s lap. “More than likely, he’s sound asleep by now. Why don’t you to out and have some fun? I’m sure that Jennifer won’t mind.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Justin walked into Woodys’ with the rest of the guys and smiled. It had been a long time since he had actually been in a gay club. He knew that he couldn’t go to any clubs near Norfolk, and the clubs in the cities they visited were out of the question as well. Justin hated that – he would have loved to have seen what the clubs in Italy were like. But he loved his job, and he didn’t want to put that in jeopardy. 

They all ordered a round of drinks and Justin made his way over to the pool table. “Anyone up for a game?” He asked. If there was one thing that he could do outside of flying a plane it was play a mean game of pool. What else was there to do on base?

Brian gave Justin a tongue in cheek look as he walked over and picked up a pool queue. “Ready to lose?”

“In your dreams.” Justin laughed, leaning against the table. “Pool and darts are about the only thing to do on base… I’m not a bad player at either.”

“Willing to put a wager on it?” Brian asked as he moved to stand in front of Justin. “Loser buys drinks for the night… for all of us.”

Justin smiled up at Brian and rolled his lower lip into his mouth. “You’re on. I hope you have a lot of money, cause you’ll be the one paying.”

“Don’t be so sure.” Brian came back with a raised eyebrow. “What makes you so sure that I’ll lose?”

Justin stood straight so that their bodies were flushed. “Cause I know how much I make, and I know I wouldn’t have the money to keep everyone supplied with alcohol for a night… so I have motivation. That and I think someone should put you in your place.”

Brian laughed and shook his head. “Rack ‘em up.” 

After a very close game, Justin sat down at the bar. “I’ll have a JB.” he said with a smile. He could tell that Brian was a little upset at losing, but he was taking it well. 

Soon after midnight, Justin called it a night. It wasn’t that he really wanted to leave – it was that he felt he had to. He knew that if he stayed any longer he would never get home, and he couldn’t let that happen. He had been away from his son long enough. 

“I’ll take you.” Brian told Justin as he threw some money on the table. “Later, boys. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t.” Placing a hand on Justin’s back, Brian lead the two out of the bar and toward his car. “Heading home already? And here I thought you were beginning to like us.” He said with a fake hurt expression.

Justin leaned into Brian and placed his arm around Brian’s waist. “It’s not that. I do like you, you shouldn’t doubt that.” He said stealing a quick glace at Brian. Turning his attention to the scene around him, Justin took a deep breath. “It’s just that I have been away for a while now. Between the last cruise and then the trials… I haven’t had a chance to spend much time with Lucas.”

Once they reached Brian’s jeep, Justin leaned up against the side. “We’re heading out again soon, and I don’t know. Six months is a long time, you know. I have missed so much of his life already.”

Brian moved in beside Justin and pulled out a cigarette, offering Justin one. “I guess you have to decide if what you’re doing, is the right thing. Is being in the Navy worth not seeing your son.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to leave the Navy yet. I love what I’m doing, and I know what price I would pay when Lucas was born. I knew that I wouldn’t always be there for him, watch him grow up… but it’s still hard.” Justin stated as he took a draw from the cigarette. “Maybe in a year or so… I don’t know really. I still have a couple more years on my contract. Two more before I have to decide if I want to re-up or not. I guess I’ll just have to think about it some more.”

Brian lightly bumped shoulders with Justin. “You’ll make it. I’m sure that when the time comes, you’ll know what you have to do. For yourself.”

Justin smiled up at Brian, and shook his head. “You hardly even know me. We just met.”

Brian dropped his cigarette on the ground and moved so he could place his hands on either side of Justin’s body. “For some reason, I feel like I’ve known you all my life.” Leaning in, Brian lightly grazed his lips across Justin’s. “But I wouldn’t mind getting to know you better.” He whispered against Justin’s ear. 

Justin pulled back some so he could look Brian in the eye. Rolling his lips into his mouth, Justin placed his hand behind Brian’s head. “I think I’d like that.” Seeing the smile that came across Brian’s face, Justin knew he had said the right thing. “You do know that if we do this… it will be difficult. No one in the Navy can know… none of my friends can know that we’re… well you know. I’m not out really. I have to hide who I am. That, and I’m away for long periods of time…”

Justin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I guess I know why I have never really had anything more than a one night stand here and there. I’m not an easy person to care for, and any sort of relationship I would be in… fuck. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this.”

Brian ran his fingers through Justin’s short hair, enjoying the softness. “We’ll never know unless we take that leap.”

“Do you think it could work out? That we could work?” Justin asked, unsure. He wanted this… he needed something. He had been alone for so long, that Justin felt he had to have something. He felt incomplete. As much as he loved his job, he missed having a warm body next to him. He craved the connection with someone else who was like him. His time in Pittsburgh was really the only true way he could be himself without fear that he would be caught. He wanted something to hold on to… to keep him warm at night while he was out to sea.

Brian shrugged and glanced away. “Who knows, but I think it’s worth a shot. Don’t you?” Brian asked. Leaning in again, Brian whispered against Justin’s ear. “Take the leap, Justin.” Brian stood back from Justin and held out his hand. It was an offer -- a chance. All Justin had to do was take that leap. Brian held his breath, waiting for Justin’s answer.

Justin looked from Brian’s hand to his face. Reaching out, Justin took Brian’s hand in his own. “What the hell. You only live once. I haven’t backed down from a challenge yet, I’m not going to start now.”


	4. In Times of...

It wasn't until two days later that Jenn had told Justin to just go. Go spend the night out on the town… do whatever. Basically telling him to get out of her house. Justin figured that she was just tired of him walking around in a complete haze. “Justin,” Jennifer said getting her son's attention. “Go.” 

Justin quickly said good-bye to his son, and ran out of the house. Getting in his rental car, and pulling out his cell, Justin dialed the number he had just recently memorized. “Yeah?” came Brian's voice on the other end. 

“Are you busy?” Justin asked, praying that the other man wasn't. He had fantasized about spending some time alone with the man, time without anyone else around. 

“Why?” Brian asked and Justin could almost hear the smile in his voice. 

Justin started the car, and began to pull out of the driveway. “Well, I'm kid free so I was wondering if you wanted to hook up. Spend some time together.” 

“Come to the loft. I'm sure we could think of something to do.” Brian stated, bringing a smile to Justin's lips. Shutting off the phone, Justin concentrated on the road on the way over to Brian's. If he didn't, he knew that his thoughts would immediately go to the other man, and what he wanted to do to him. Needless to say, Justin didn't really want to get into an accident. He was already painfully aware of how he wanted this night to end, and it didn't include a trip to the ER. 

Justin parked his car beside the loft on Tremont, and quickly got out. His heart was pounding in his chest. He wanted things to go well between him and Brian, wanted so much to be with the other man. Despite his nervousness and apprehension, Justin knew that he had to try and keep Brian in his life. He wanted the other man there, no matter what. He could see himself with Brian for years to come. 

Justin pushed the button to announce his arrival, and the door was buzzed open. Running up the stairs, taking two at a time, Justin tried to get his thoughts in order. He wasn't naïve enough to not know what his coming to the loft meant. He knew what more than likely would happen. Hell he wanted it to, he only hoped that it didn't destroy what they were building together. When he reached the top floor he noticed that the door was already open for him. With a small smile on his face, Justin walked into the room, and spotted Brian sitting at his computer. “Hey,” Justin said in greeting as he closed the door. 

Brian looked up at the younger man and leaned back in his chair. “Hey.” 

“You really shouldn't leave your door open. You never know who might just walk in.” Justin said with a smile playing across his lips. 

Brian stood from behind his desk and walked over to Justin. Standing in front of the younger man, Brian reached up and ran his hand through Justin's short hair. Both men took a slight step closer to each other so that their bodies were flush against one another. “Well sometimes you get some surprises when you leave the door open.” 

Justin reached up and laid his hand on the back of Brian's neck, pulling the man's face closer to his. “Let's just hope that this isn't a bad surprise.” He whispered against Brian's lips before running his tongue across Brian's. 

“I think it will turn out to be one of the best surprises yet.” Brian answered before he pushed his tongue into Justin's mouth. He couldn't get enough of the blond man, and Brian craved more. Running his hands down Justin's back, he pulled their bodies closer together. “Christ, I want you.” Brian whispered against Justin's neck when the need for air became overwhelming. 

Justin pulled back slightly. He caught the look of uncertainty on Brian's face, but Justin just gave the other man a blinding smile. Pulling his shirt out of his pants, Justin threw it on the ground by their feet. “Fuck me, Brian. Please.” 

Brian didn't have to be told twice, as he ripped off his own shirt and crushed Justin against his bare chest. Feeling the warm body flush with his own sent a shock through his system, straight to his already hard cock. Slowly, without breaking the kiss, the two made their way over to the bed, undressing along the way. Once they were both lying on the bed, Brian raised up so he could look Justin in the eye. He could see the hunger, lust, and need in the blue eyes staring at him and it fueled Brian even more. “You sure about this?” He asked, praying that Justin wouldn't try to stop it now. Brian wasn't sure if he could stop now, but he knew he had to ask. He had to make sure that Justin wanted this even half as much as he himself did. 

“I've never been more sure in my life. Please, Brian. I need to feel you inside me.” Justin breathed as he pulled Brian's face down to his own. “Fuck me.” 

Brian moved his lips down Justin's long neck, lightly running his teeth over the sensitive flesh connecting his shoulder and neck. Slowly, he moved on down Justin's chest, taking a moment to worship Justin's perk nipples, then further down toward the light patch of hair between his legs. Justin nearly jumped out of the bed when he felt Brian's tongue run up his hard cock, then lightly flicking over his piss hole. Brian's warm mouth engulfed all of Justin, and slowly began to move up and down the hard organ. 

Justin's hands tangled in Brian's hair, pulling the strands until he couldn't take it anymore. “Brian.” He whispered, pulling Brian away from his cock. “Please.” Justin hadn't even seen Brian reach for the lube and condom, concentrating only on the feelings that Brian brought out in him. It wasn't until he felt Brian's fingers enter him, opening him that Justin knew the end was near. Justin reached up and pulled Brian's lips down to his own, tasting himself as he plunged his tongue into Brian's mouth. 

Brian removed his fingers and placed himself at Justin's entrance, slowly pushing in. “Fuck,” Brian moaned against Justin's lips as he pushed all the way in. When he knew that Justin was ready, Brian began the slow movement in and out of the tight, warm hole. It didn't take long before he felt the beginning of his release as Justin cried out, shooting all over their chests. With two more powerful thrusts, Brian, himself, cried out as he shot inside the condom. 

Feeling Brian's weight on him, Justin ran his hands over his lover's sweat covered flesh, enjoying the feel of Brian inside of him and on top of him. It was a feeling he knew would carry him through the long months away, a feeling he would always remember. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian lay down on the grass, feeling Justin's head on his chest as the boys played together in the sand box nearby. Brian ran his fingers through Justin's short hair, as he thought about the turn his life had taken in the past two weeks. He knew that Justin would have to be returning to Virginia the next day, he didn't want him to, but he had known that it would have happened the instant he saw Justin. “How long is your tour, or whatever it's fucking called?” Brian asked his lover. 

Justin reached and grabbed a hold of Brian's hand to hold in his own. “It's a 6 month deployment. I should be back sometime around the first of September, well end of August first part of September. Of course, I will bring you something back with me.” Justin smiled up at Brian, hating that he had to leave. “You know, that these past couple of weeks have been the best. I have never felt this close to someone, as I do you.” 

“Scary.” Brian joked as he lifted their joined hands up to look at them. “Just don't be a stranger, okay? I'd hate to have to come to that ship and drag your ass off of it, to kick it.” 

“That could be fun.” Justin rolled over so he could look Brian in the eye. “The moment the ship lands back in port in the States, I'll be on the first plane back here. Or maybe you could come and visit me.” 

Brian reached up to caress the side of Justin's face, trying to memorize the man who had become such a large part of his life in recent months, but who had stolen his heart just days prior. “I just may have to do that.” 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

TO : bkinney@vangard.net 

FROM : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com 

DATE : March 4, 2001 0258Z 

SUBJECT : Just saying HI 

Christ, has it only been a couple of days? Weeks? Months? I'm not sure anymore. Things have been hectic as hell here, and I'm not even sure which way is up anymore. As soon as I got home, it was the normal rush, rush to get things ready for the cruise. Then the first couple of days were getting back into the routine. 

15 days later we were parking in Spain . A couple of days here then it's off to the rest of the Med. I don't mind it much really. The weather's nice, and I have always loved going to Italy (which is next BTW), but I do miss being home. I do miss you as well. 

I keep going over in my mind those short weeks together – with you, and the rest of the ‘gang'. It was nice to finally put faces to the names. Yeah, I had seen pictures from Vic, but it was different actually seeing everyone in real life. 

Here, you're stuck with the same men and women for 6 months at least. Not many changes really. Yeah sometimes you get a new person coming on the ship who had just transferred, but not often. People come and go, but basically it's all the same. Same routine, day in and day out. My life is boring as hell really. ;-) 

I wish I had some interesting story to tell you, I really do, but to me everything is the same as last cruise. The same cities, the same people. Not many changes. Which is sad, but oh so true. 

So how is life treating you there in good ol' Pitts? Lol! Has Vance given you any more problems? How did the Besta campaign go? I know you got it, cause you are just that good. ( On all fronts lol!) 

How's Gus? Lucas is constantly asking me when he can go and see Gus again. He has all these plans, and things he wants to show Gus. I told him that he could always call or e-mail Gus. ( Kids are just too smart now a days for their own good) I hope Lindsey doesn't mind. You don't think she will , do you? 

Anyway, Daphne's talking about going up to New York to see her parents when I get back. So I don't know when I will make it back up there. The cruise is over in August, and we're talking about things. She said she would wait until I got back from seeing mom, and she would even come with me before she goes to see her family. She's still not sure whether or not she'll take Lucas or not. Her parents still aren't real happy about her having him and not being married. But it's her life, I say. To hell with them. 

Am I babbling? I guess I am. Sorry ‘bout that. I'm just bored out of my mind, waiting for my turn up on the rotation. Thinking about you, as always. It's scary that after only two weeks with you, I am already hooked. You're always in my thoughts. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life. 

Well I better let you go. I'm sure you have tons of stuff to do, and I don't want to keep you. I'll try to call later this week, if that's all right. 

Until later, 

Sunshine. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

TO : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com 

FROM : bkinney@vangard.net 

DATE : March 3, 2001 9:14PM 

SUBJECT : This is strange 

Justin, 

To say that this is strange getting something from you that is dated tomorrow. You're what? 6 Hours ahead of me? Damn. I can say I bet it's warmer there than it is here. Southern Spain … has to be better than this snow and cold shit we have here. I wish I were there with you that's for damn sure. 

Things here are relatively quiet. Vance is always a pain as you have heard. That man will be the death of me one day, I'm positive of it. Of course, I was absolutely brilliant with the whole Besta campaign. Like I'm anything but. ;-) 

Sorry things are so boring there. Yeah right. Gus wants to see the ship, it's all he'll talk about. He tells all his friends that daddy's boyfriend is in the Navy and flies a plane. He wants to go up in Justy's plane and go on Justy's ship. I can only tell him that maybe some day but that we couldn't just hop in the car and go there. Of course he thinks that you're right around the damn block and we can just be there in no time. I think he believes that you're ship is on Lake Erie or something. 

Who knows what goes through a child's mind? I sure as hell don't. 

Of course he misses Lucas. His ‘bestest, best friend'. They definitely hit it off didn't they? Kinda like their daddy's. 

Christ, I miss you. I actually got used to holding you in my arms at night, and waking up with you there. Yeah we didn't get much time together, but still. You snuck your way into my life, and I can't imagine life without you in it. I wish you were here, even though I know you can't be right now. I understand. I do. I don't have to like it, but hey… that's life. 

I would never ask you to choose the Navy or me. I couldn't do that to you, or to me. I'm thrilled that you are doing something that you love, and something that makes you happy. I would never take that away from you. I couldn't. You wouldn't be you if I tried. 

It still doesn't stop the ache that I feel every time I lay down on the bed. Granted what goes through my mind about our ‘reunion' is something that would even make porn stars blush. 

Just know that I proud of you, Justin. I am. What you're doing, and what you give up to do that… what you have to hide. I'm proud of you. I don't know if I could do it. You're more of a man than I could ever be. 

I better go. Vance is riding my ass about this other account, so I better get my ass in gear. 

Miss you, 

Later, 

Brian. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

TO : bkinney@vangard.net 

FROM : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com 

DATE : April 9, 2001 1601Z 

SUBJECT : Missing you. 

I can still feel you, you know. It's sad really, but I can't get you out of my head. I can't get you out of my soul. And you're a part of my soul. I never thought I would know what a soul mate was, nor did I ever think that I would find mine. I didn't believe that it could happen for us. 

I'll be the first to admit I was wrong. Dead wrong. Cause, Brian. I found mine. You are – in my mind – my soul mate. From the first letter I felt a connection ( a small one, but a connection none the less ) and then seeing you… I can't even begin to tell you what I felt that day. I felt like I had known you my whole life, and beyond. I knew that we were meant to be together. 

I only wish we could be all the time. But I know that for now, we have to suffer through these months apart. They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but I don't know how I could love you any more than I do now. You're always with me. I even have a picture of you that I keep in my pocket when I go up. While I'm in the air, you're there with me… you're always with me. 

I just want you to know that you are the one for me. I feel it. I don't ever want to do anything that could jeopardize what we have, or could have. I want to be there for you if and when you need me. Know that if I could be there I would. Know that I am there in my heart, and soul. 

I think I'm falling in love with you, Brian Kinney. It's something I have never thought would happen to me, but I find myself falling anyway. When my time is up, I swear that we will be together, in one form or another. I will be there for you, no matter what. 

Wishing I was there, with your arms around me, 

Later, 

Justin. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

TO : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com 

FROM : bkinney@vangard.net 

DATE : April 9, 2001 9:14PM 

SUBJECT : Always and forever 

Is that corny or what? But I agree with you. I felt something that day too. Of course you were in my thoughts long before we even shared our first letter. I guess Vic is good for some things huh? I saw your picture and I felt connected to you. I knew I had to get to know you. Fate? Destiny? Soulmates? I don't know, but I know that I wouldn't change a minute of our time together for anything in the world. 

I wish we could be together every second of every day, but that would be crazy. I think we would eventually tire of each other if that happened. But you're right. I do think about it. I think about what it would be like to have you here with me all the time. 

But I also think that we need this time. We need to find out what we are to one another before we can make any sort of solid commitment . We need to discover more about each other, and who we want to be to the other. We need to try and merge our lives together. And we're getting there, but these sorts of things take time. 

Boy, is that funny coming from me. I have never been a patient person. Never! But for some reason it feels right to wait. And I will wait for you, Justin. I have to. I can't see my life without you, and I don't ever want to find out. 

Take care of yourself, and come home to be as soon as you can. I will be here for you, day and night. All you have to do is call. Don't worry about anything, and I promise you that when you're ready, I'll be here. We're both learning what it's like to feel this way about someone. It's new and frankly, fucking terrifying. But it's also wonderful. I feel so free when I'm with you, like nothing else matters. 

So when you get back to the states, know that I'll be here. I'll be waiting your return. ( Now I know what all that sappy shit in movies were all about… I must be getting soft in my old age) 

Take care, and I'll see you soon. 

Later, 

Brian.


	5. In Times of...

WARNING : THIS CONTAINS PARTS THAT RELATE TO EVENTS OF 9-11. DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT. CHARACTER DEATH

* * *

TO : bkinney@vangard.net   
FROM : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com   
DATE : May 19, 2001 0258Z   
SUBJECT : Happy Birthday to you 

 

If I was there I would like to say that I would sing praises, or whatever the fuck. But since 1) I can't sing for shit, and 2) I'm not there, I guess I just have to say it this way. Happy Birthday, Brian. 

I know.. I know. Getting older sucks doesn't it? Just one more fucking candle on your cake (do you even have cake? ). I wish I was there. I wish I could do something, anything for you on this day. Even if it is just to hold you, and help you forget that this day has arrived. 

Yes, I heard all about your thoughts on birthdays. But let me tell you this… you have a kid now. You're not getting any younger. It's the child curse. I'm dreading when Lucas gets older. If he ever has kids of his own. Ahh… I'm scaring myself here. 

I guess I'll just leave Daphne to that mess. I am so not ready to be a grandfather. No way in hell. Lucas can't see anyone until he's 50! 

God, I miss you. Have I said that yet? Well I do. Who would have ever thought that I would be in this position? I know I didn't. I never thought that I would be able to find someone while I was in. It is making me rethink things. Should I stay in? Can I stay in when I have to hide who I am and who I am falling for? 

Yes, Brian… I am falling for you. Didn't you know that? I have never before in my life felt this way about anyone. You bring something out in me, complete me where I never thought I needed completing. I guess I have some serious thinking to do. 

I really shouldn't get all sappy while I'm away, when I can't see your face. And I sure as hell shouldn't get like this on your day. 

(snuck that one in, old man. ) 

Ohhh what I wouldn't do to have you in my arms. Feeling your lips on mine, your cock buried deep inside me, touching me in a way that only you can. Bringing me to the brink, then pulling back, prolonging the sweet torture. 

Fuck! I want you. I want to feel you inside me, filling me. I want to feel your cum against my skin, tasting the warm, salty seeds as they flow down my throat. 

Now I'm hornier than I was before. I almost feel sorry for Valerio. Almost. 

I gotta go. Time to try and get some sleep before I have to be up for night ops. 

Happy birthday, Brian. I love you 

Justin 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

TO : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com   
FROM : bkinney@vangard.net   
DATE : May 20, 2001 9:14PM   
SUBJECT : So what you wearing? 

Did you just say, I love you? Well, I'll be dammed, Sunshine. I can honestly say that ‘hearing' that definitely made my day. I only wish that you were here to have me show you how much those words meant. 

I haven't really had much in the way of love, I can honestly say I don't really know what it is. My folks were never the model citizens and never really showed me much in the way of ‘love'. But with you… I don't know. 

All I know is that what I feel for you is beyond anything I have ever felt for anyone. From the moment I saw your picture, and read your words, I knew. 

Christ, you are turning me into a lesbian. How bad is that? 

All kidding aside, I want to say the words back to you, I do… but I will wait. I want the first time to be special. I don't say it often… okay I don't think I know a time when I really have said it, but I know that when the time comes you'll know. 

Now… more important things. Are you trying to get me in trouble at work? Fuck me, Sunshine. I read your e-mail, and I swear Cynthia was ready to go into heat or something. Note to self, never read an e-mail from you BEFORE a meeting. The damn smile on my face was enough to scare half of the people in the room. You're ruining my rep as an asshole, you know that? 

But, anyway, I had never wanted you more than I did at that moment. I can still feel you lying beneath me, feel your smooth skin against mine. The way you tighten around me, squeezing me as you cum. Your hot, wet mouth around my cock as you take it all in, the electric jolt that goes through me when I hit the back of your throat. I know that it has never been like that with anyone. You know just where to touch to make me fucking beg to be inside you. 

You know you could most likely give Valerio's wife some pointers. (haha)… nah I don't even want to think about that. Yuck! Straight sex put a damper on my mood. 

So I guess, I should tell you what I did on the dreaded day, huh? I'm sure that you are just itching to hear. Let me see. Spent time with Gus, got him calmed down after I told him that you and Lucas weren't with me (he's becoming a huge pain in my ass, Sunshine. We have to get those boys together again soon.) Then the boys too me out for some pool, dancing, and drinking. Do you believe I actually stayed out of the backroom? 

Well I did. No one came even close to what I wanted, damn near fucking craved after you damn e-mail. Bitch! 

I miss you, Justin. Please tell me that you will be coming home soon. I'm getting tired of getting no relief. 

Miss you, 

Brian 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

TO : bkinney@vangard.net   
FROM : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com   
DATE : May 21, 2001 0258Z   
SUBJECT : You are soo bad. 

Ahhh. Poor Brian. All hot an bothered with no relief in sight. I know… I'm evil. But hey… I am worse off then you, so why should I suffer alone. I mean come on… you at least can go to the backroom. I wouldn't blame you at all. Me on the other hand… I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean with men all around me, and women too… and not a bit of relief in sight. One wrong move and I'm fucked. I can't even tempt it when we're in port. Yeah, Valerio tries to cover for me, tries to let me get out, but I don't even try. 

I've heard the stories, Brian. The ones where people get thrown overboard, or fucking killed when it's discovered. I can't do that. Not to myself, not to Lucas, and not to you. I won't put myself in danger while I'm at sea. Now the privacy of my own home… well they can't do shit to me there. 

That was a hint I hope you know. 

I am counting down the days until I'm home. I want to be there so bad when I'm away, but for some reason, I can't stop doing this. It's my eternal conflict. There is something about being up in the air, flying, that I need. I just wish that I didn't have to leave all the other things behind. Maybe a nice shore station is in order. Find a place where I can fly and be close to home. Who knows? I'll have to ask Valerio about it. I know he's been thinking about it too. 

That is an option… granted not for another year, but since we're coming up for orders, we can try. I'll have to talk it over with Daphne, and Valerio his wife. But I think that it's a viable option. 

Plus… I can be closer to you. Man, I am bad. You bring this out in me, I hope you know that. You are evil… pure evil. 

I love you, Brian. More today, than yesterday. 

Justin 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

TO : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com   
FROM : bkinney@vangard.net   
DATE : July 4, 2001 9:14PM   
SUBJECT : A Salute 

I wish I could talk more, but Deb has ordered me to her place for the festivities. If I don't go… well you know her. My ball are on the line, and I like them just where they are. 

I just wanted to say, happy 4 th , baby. I miss you. I guess, since meeting you, this holiday has a whole new meaning for me. Never before did I really care. It was just a day to get drunk. But now… knowing someone who is helping to keep us free, it brings a whole new light to the whole day. 

They say that on this day you should give thanks to those who have fought and died… and to those who are still fighting. So I guess, I just wanted to say thank-you. 

Happy 4 th , Justin ‘Sunshine' Taylor . I miss you, and come home safely. 

Brian. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

TO : bkinney@vangard.net   
FROM : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com   
DATE : June 15, 2001 0258Z   
SUBJECT : Plans 

In less than a month, I will be home. FINALLY! Six months is a LONG damn time! Yeah… yeah. I asked for this. 

Sooo, I guess what I was wondering is… well, (Christ I'm babbling in an e-mail… how bad is that?) 

Okay, so anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to come down. See my place, or should I head up there? I need to see you, Brian. And I do have time coming, if I want it. I can't take a lot cause I'm only allowed 4 weeks a year, but I had saved up a number of days from last year as well. 

Too complicated to explain… Military shit is so hard to explain unless you've lived it. Sorry, I hope that didn't get upset you in anyway. Daphne always yells at me when I go ‘military' on her. She never understands, and says she doesn't want to. All she says she cares about is what she has to do for Lucas. 

Gotta love her. 

So anyway… I just thought I would ask. We usually have a day where people/family can come onto the ship. See where we work and stuff. If you'd like, you can come too. It's not much, but I guess it's home for half of my life. Just let me know, and I'll tell Daph. 

God, I miss you. That's all I know. Only 23 days and a wake up. 

Love you, 

Justin 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

TO : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com   
FROM : bkinney@vangard.net   
DATE : July 23, 2001 9:14PM   
SUBJECT : So when does my ship come in? 

Justin, 

I just got off the phone with Lindsey, and she completely agrees with me. 

Maybe I should tell you my plans first, huh? Sorry just excited is all. Remember when you told me about the family night on the ship a week after you pulled in? Well how would you feel about some guests? Vance wants me to go down there to do some work, so I will be in town when you come in. Then of course I'm taking some much needed time off. I thought, if it's alright with you that is, if Gus and I come to spend some time with you. 

I know that we can't be like we are here. I know that we have to hide but they don't have to know what goes on in the privacy of your own home huh? What do you say? I promise to behave myself. 

Let me know. I leave in two weeks to go down there, and just wondering if I need to make plans for Gus. 

Hope to see you soon, 

Later, 

Brian. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

TO : bkinney@vangard.net   
FROM : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com   
DATE : July 24, 2001 0258Z   
SUBJECT : 

Well I guess you are lucky. The ship will be in port again (thank-goodness) in a little over two weeks. We're just finishing up the change-over and we'll be leaving Spain tomorrow. Then it's 15 days and I'll be home! I can't wait. I miss Lucas, Daphne… and you. I can't wait for you to see my home. I hope you like it. 

Granted it will suck in one way though. I wish that I could show you how much I missed you, how much I care about you. Damn rules and regulations. At times I hate this job. 

I guess we'll have the privacy of my bedroom. I wish it was more, though. Yes, I'm being bad. Sad, depressed, lonely, horny as hell. 

I can say that I'm sooo glad that you are going to meet me in Norfolk . I can't wait. I've added you and Gus to the list for the ‘family day'. Daphne says she's not coming cause she's seen the (and I quote) damn ship a million times already. Lucas has too, but he just loves seeing where daddy works. I can't wait. (I've said that already haven't I?) 

Anyway, I will be home soon, and then we can figure things out from there. 

Love you, 

Justin 

~~~~~~~~~ 

29 August 2001 

Brian looked over at Justin and tried not to smile at the man's antics. During the week while Justin was at work, Brian, Gus, and Lucas would spend the day going out to parks, taking in the last days of summer. Daphne took this opportunity to head up to New York to spend time with her family, where Justin would join her later with Lucas. For now, it was time for the two men to reconnect, as much as they could. 

No one questioned Brian's appearance at the Taylor residence, figuring that it was an old friend of Justin's, since they all knew that Brian was a friend of Vic's. Justin hated that with Brian there, they had to hide who they were during the week, but he knew that it was for the best. The weekends were theirs and the ‘boys' headed as far away from the Navy as humanly possible. 

Although Brian didn't enjoy the hiding, he knew that it was important to Justin. He had talked it over enough with Vic to understand that if Justin was discovered the man would lose everything. Benefits, pension, everything. Top that off with the dishonorable discharge that would affect any job potential in the future, Brian knew that he had to be careful. He couldn't destroy Justin's life like that… Justin's and Lucas'. 

Laying on the couch with the blond resting against him, Brian tried not to laugh. “What?” Justin asked turning around to face his lover. He could tell that Brian was trying hard not to laugh. “Are you laughing at my son?” 

“Are you trying to turn him straight?” Brian laughed. “Or are you trying to see if he's gay?” Brian watched as Lucas and Gus played in a small enclosed area of the house. Justin had placed them in there minutes before with their toys, coloring books and crayons. Both Lucas and Gus went directly for the art supplies, completely ignoring everything else. “You have the damn Tellatubbies, and Barney in there.” 

“He likes the shows… why I have no idea.” Justin informed Brian. “Besides, I am not responsible for what Daphne lets him watch while I'm out.” 

“Ohhh. So you're blaming it all on Daphne, when she's not here to defend herself. How very kind of you.” Brian laughed. He had enjoyed seeing the two together. He liked Daphne, and seeing her and Justin together he could tell why they were such good friends. The friendly jokes thrown back and forth, always made Brian smile. 

Justin gave Brian a small smile as he turned back around so he could feel Brian's arms around him. “I figure since she ditched us all, it's only fair.” Daphne had left the day before to visit her parents without Lucas, stating that she wanted to get away from all the testerone in the house. 

“And you're planning on running around New York with her?” Brian shook his head, and rested his head against Justin's. “Why don't you just take your week leave and come up to see me?” 

Justin leaned further back onto Brian and let out a long sigh. “I wish, but I promised Daphne, and her parents. The last time we spent any time together as a ‘family' was just before Christmas. If I don't do this, then I'm in deep trouble.” 

Brian understood, and smiled. He was grateful that Justin had people like that in his life. Brian knew that Daphne's parents knew who he was, and he was glad that they supported him without fail. He would enjoy his time with Justin while he had it, and who knew… Brian knew he might have to make a trip to New York for a day. ‘The benefits of owning your own company,' Brian thought with a smile. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

September 11, 2001 @ 8:38 a.m. – New York 

Justin carried Lucas through the streets of New York , cursing the day. Lucas had been a pain to get around that morning, crying, not eating, just throwing a complete fit. Daphne had spent the night with her parents, leaving Justin to deal with their son that morning alone. “Hey, Daph.” Justin stated as he tried to keep the cell phone close to his ear with Lucas squirming on his hip. “We're running a little late.” 

“Giving your problems this fine morning?” Daphne laughed. “Welcome to my world, buddy.” 

“Fuck off. We're about 10 minutes away and then we'll head on up to see you guys.” Justin looked up to verify how close they were to the huge towers. “Where should we meet you? The Observation deck?” 

“Yeah, we'll meet you up there. Dad can't wait to show Lucas the skyline.” Daphne's smile came across the line. “I think he's going to LOVE it. I know you do.” 

Justin smiled, rolling his lower lip into his mouth. He had loved being on top of the towers, looking out over the New York Skyline. It gave him the same feeling of flying. He had always loved New York , and had a lot of fun as a child running around central Park, and shopping at the World Trade Towers . Justin had always wanted to share this with his son, wanted his son to have the experience. 

“We'll meet you at the top.” Justin stated with a smile as the tall building started to take up the entire sky. “Just make sure that ‘dad' doesn't get too carried away with the pictures and gifts today. We don't want to spoil the kid.” 

“You're no fun. Now hurry up. We're almost there.” 

“Later, Daph.” Justin hung up the phone as he continued to make his way toward the South Tower . Once inside he started to make his way to the elevator, not hearing the sound of a jet flying low. 

( September 11, 2001 @ 8:50 a.m. ) 

Justin stepped out onto the Skylobby on the 71 st floor and headed directly toward the windows. In the elevator, he had heard a loud explosion, as the building swayed. Someone came over the intercom unit telling everyone to go back to their offices, that they were fine. 

As he stepped up to the glass he saw the smoke pouring out of the North Tower . “Daph,” Justin stated trying to call his friend. “Pick up will you?” 

“Justin, oh my god… did you see that?” Daphne stated in a near panic. “That plane just crashed into the tower.” 

Justin took a deep, calming breath, knowing he would need it if for nothing else than to keep Daphne and her parents calm. “Why don't you and your parents start to make your way down here. I'm on the 71 st . We'll meet here and figure out what to do from there.” 

“But what about…” 

Justin closed his eyes as he rested his head against his sons. “Daph. These buildings were made to withstand a strike like this. And besides, we're in the other tower. Just calmly start to make your way down here and we'll figure out what to do. Okay?” 

Justin could hear conversations in the background, as people tried to figure out what to do. He knew that everyone up there were starting to panic, and he could only hope that someone would take control of the situation and calm them. The last thing they needed on top of the craziness that was going on was a bunch of people scared out of their wits. “They want us all to stay put. They say we're fine.” 

Justin tried to hold his calm himself. He didn't care what the people in charge said. He had a bad feeling about this, and he wanted them down where he could see them. “Daphne, listen to me. Just slowly start to make your way to the elevators. Okay. Just start to make your way down here. I don't care what they say, Lucas is starting to freak out, and there is no way I'm taking him up there. Not now.” 

“But…” 

 

“We've been arguing about this for the last 7 minutes or so… now get your ass down here so your son can see that you're alright.” Justin calmly stated, his teeth grinding against one another. He was trying to stay calm for his son, but his insides were screaming at him to get out of there… to run. Hanging up the phone, Justin prayed that Daphne would listen to him and come down. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian made his way through the reception area, trying to get to his office without too much of a problem. Since his return from Virginia , it had appeared that everyone wanted him to do something right at that moment. Everyone had some huge crisis that needed his immediate attention. He wondered if there would ever be a time when he could just sit back and enjoy life like he could when he was with his blond. 

“Brian,” Cynthia stated as she rushed into his office. 

Brian turned to look at her as he slowly began to sit behind his desk. “What the fuck is the damn crisis now?” He followed the woman over to the TV that was set up in the corner of his large office. He was tired, and just wanted to get the work for the day done so he could go home. He had heard from Justin that morning as the blond tried to get his son ready for a day with the ‘in-laws'. 

All thoughts of what he wanted to do flew out the window as the TV came to life. 

“WHAT WE HAVE WORD IS AS OF THIS MORNING A JET APPARENTLY, A COMMERCIAL JET HAS PLOWED INTO ONE OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER TOWERS .” 

“I SEE ANOTHER PLANE APPROACHING RIGHT NOW. ANOTHER PLANE JUST CRASHED INTO IT RIGHT NOW. 

 

“ANOTHER PLANE JUST CRASHED INTO THE WORLD TRADE CENTER TOWERS AS WE WERE WATCHING THE WOLD TRACE CENTER HOVERING THE …” 

“THERE IS A LOT OF CONFUSION HERE AT THE PENTEGON. IT APPEARS THAT SOMETHING HIT THE PENTAGON ON THE 5 TH CORRIDOR, THE ARMY CORRIDOR…” 

‘IT DOES APPEAR THAT A PLANE OF SOME SORT HIT THE SIDE OF THE PENTEGON AND SOME PEOPLE WERE..' 

‘JAMIE, JAMIE… I NEED YOU TO STOP FOR A SECOND.” 

“AS WE WATCH THESE PICTURES THE WORLD TRADE CENTER 110 STORIES LITERALLY STARTING TO FALL.” ** 

Brian just sat staring at the TV, people gathering around him to catch the glimpses of the horror as it began to unfold around them. Standing, Brian went to his phone, and began the long process of finding Justin. He only hoped that the man had not made it to the towers, and was not in them when this whole mess started. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

TO : LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com , LTJ_Taylor@VFW24.usnavy.gov   
FROM : bkinney@vangard.net   
DATE : September 11, 2001 02:01PM   
SUBJECT : What I would do 

Justin, 

Please tell me you weren't anywhere near the Towers. Just drop me a quick line or something. Call me.. I don't give a shit. Just please let us know that you are all right. 

Brian. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian was sitting in the on the steps leading to the upstairs bedrooms at Deb's, waiting for some word as to Justin's whereabouts, wondering if the man he was starting to care a great deal about was alive. Deb had ordered everyone she knew to her place wanting the whole family around when news came across. He had not been able to reach Justin at all since that morning, and the fear was becoming unbearable. The questions that he knew may never be answered. 

Everyone jumped when Brian's cell phone rang, turning toward the man with hope on their faces. Not recognizing the number, Brian closed his eyes as he answered. “Hello.” 

“Brian… I need you.” Justin's horse voice stated over the line. “Now.”

* * *

NOTE: News broadcasts are just tidbits of the CNN, NBC, and other agencies from the day of Sept. 11, 2001 .


	6. In Times of...

September 12, 2001

Justin sat on the edge of the bed where his son was sleeping peacefully, staring out the window. He could still see the smoke coming from the direction of the Trade Towers, and he tried to rationalize what had happened. Nothing made any sense to him. He knew that they would never find Daphne and her family, he knew that they didn’t make it out… hell he barely got out and he wasn’t above the explosion. 

“Justin.” He heard coming from the door, as he slowly turned to face his family. He didn’t even remember calling them, only a brief flash of feeling safe. Jenn came in with Brian followed closely behind her. “How is he? How are you? What…”

“I’m okay. Just some scrapes and stuff. They want to keep him a couple more days,” Justin stated as he turned his attention back to the bed and his son. “The dust and everything… he was in complete shock.”

Brian slowly walked up to Justin and lightly placed his hand on the other man’s shoulder. “I think we’re all in shock.”

Justin turned to give his lover a small smile. “Yeah, that would be about right. One minute we’re thinking of the fun we’ll have, and then the next…” Shaking his head, Justin closed his eyes hoping to get the images out of his mind. “They’ll never find her.” He stated opening his eyes to once again look out the window. “They were at the top… She was still there that I know of about three minutes before the plane hit. I know they didn’t make it.”

“We’re here for you, and for Lucas. You know that.” Jenn stated as she wrapped her arms around her son. “Vic said he would be here tomorrow. He didn’t think it would be a good idea to rush you.”

“Thanks. There’s so much to do. I already called my command and have two weeks of emergency leave, but… what am I going to do now?” Justin felt the tears begin to build up behind his eyes. 

Jennifer placed her head against Justin’s, holding him tight. “Why don’t you go back to the hotel? Rest. I’ll stay here with Lucas, and you just let Brian take you back.”

Justin turned his attention toward his son, still laying peacefully on the huge hospital bed. “What if he wakes up and I’m not here? He already lost Daphne, saw all of … that. I can’t put him through that.”

“I promise he will never doubt that you are here for him, that you are okay. But you need to take care of yourself too, Justin. Or you won’t be any good to him.” Jenn explained, knowing how hard it would be for her if she was in her son’s shoes. “I promise, when he wakes up, he’ll know that you are close by, and I will let you know. If he wants you, I will call you instantly.”

Justin nodded, relenting to his mother’s words. He knew she was right. He had to take care of himself if he was ever going to have the strength to help his son. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Justin followed Brian into the hotel, feeling extremely tired. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had slept. Brian led Justin toward the bed, and Justin carefully laid down on top of the mattress. Brian began to remove Justin’s clothes, then his own so he could crawl in beside his lover. “Just close your eyes.” Brian ran his hands up and down Justin’s back as the blond placed his head on Brian’s chest. “I’m right here.”

“I have no idea what I’m going to do. Who’s going to take care of Lucas now? What am I going to do without Daph?” Justin closed his eyes, letting the tears slowly start to fall down his cheeks for the first time since this mess started. 

Brian held Justin, letting the other man get all of his sadness out. Brian had no idea what was going to happen, it seemed like everything had spun out of control. The safety that everyone believed, the view that America was untouchable was shattered. He wasn’t sure what he could say that could even begin to make things better. There was nothing that could take away this horror, the complete loss of innocence that was taken away from everyone. 

All Brian could do was hold his lover tightly against him, and pray that things would get better.

~~~~~~~~~~  
September 19, 2001

Justin put the letter away as he sat down on the couch in his house. Things in the past couple of days had been hectic to say the least. In only a week, his life had been turned upside down. The attacks just days ago had tore the country – ripped a hole right through the heart. He had been trying to figure out a way to explain to his son what happened. How could he tell his son that his mother was dead?

Daphne had been so excited about going to visit her family in New York, and spending a couple days with them. She had seemed so excited when they talked that morning, so thrilled that they could share that with their son. Justin knew that she was gone, the instant he hung up the phone while he himself was in the building. He had lost his best friend, and more than that, his son lost his mother. 

Justin knew that he would have to go to war soon. That his unit would be called up to fight overseas, but he wasn’t sure what e was going to do with his son. He knew that Lucas would be welcomed at his mothers with open arms – even though the only thing he wanted was to keep his son close to him. He wanted to protect his son as much as possible. “Justin,” His mother called out to him from the kitchen. 

Justin gave her a small smile when she appeared in front of him. “When is Vic getting in?” He asked as he sat forward in his seat, placing his elbows on his knees. 

“He said that he should be here in a hour or so.” She informed him as she sat down next to him, placing her hand on his shoulder. “How are you holding up, honey?”

Justin only shrugged, slightly. “I’m here. Lucas is taking it hard. He just doesn’t understand. He still thinks that she will come through the door. I just…I don’t know what to do, Mom.”

Jenn pulled her son into her arms and held him close to her. She had always known that her son was gay, and it frightened her to no end. She was afraid of how people would treat him… how he would handle life. When he joined the Navy, she had been so proud of him. The day that Justin and Daphne had told her that she was going to be a grandmother had been the best day of her life. She never thought that that day would ever come. Now all she knew was that she had to be there for her son and grandson. She couldn’t abandon them. 

Justin pulled away from his mother when someone knocked on the door. “I’ll get it.” Justin stated, standing and pulling himself together. The moment he opened the door he was immediately engulfed in a hug from his lover. Justin took comfort from Brian’s embrace, letting the world slip away. Pulling away slightly, Justin ran his hand across Brian’s cheek. “Thanks for getting Vic. And, you know… just being here with me.”

“There’s nowhere else, Sunshine. Nowhere else.” Brian stated, leaning in and lightly brushing his lips across Justin’s forehead. He had left the day before to bring Vic to New York, hating every second that he was away from Justin. He hadn’t wanted to leave, but he knew that having Vic there was something that Justin needed. 

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Vic sadly said as he moved around Brian, taking Justin into his arms. “How you holding up?”

Justin shrugged, and took a calming breath. “I’m surviving. Lucas is taking it hard. He just doesn’t understand why his mommy isn’t coming home.”

“It’ll take time,” Vic said. “Have you gotten any word from the rest of her family?”

Justin nodded as he led the men toward the small living room of the New York apartment. Justin had come back to Daphne’s parent’s old home wanting to be close to his friend. “The only one left alive is her aunt, and one cousin. They are going to be in town tomorrow to help with the service.” Justin moved over to the window and looked out at what used to be the twin towers. What once used to be a beautiful sight… one that he had sketched on many occasions, now was only a smoldering pile. The skyline just wasn’t the same. “It’s just strange.” He began continuing to look out the window. “Daphne and I had always enjoyed sitting out on the patio, just looking at the towers. We used to make up stories about what people were doing in there. Now… I can’t believe it’s all gone. And the Pentagon? It’s just… I don’t know how we can get past all of this.”

“We will. As a nation, as a family. For Lucas.” Vic told Justin. 

For the next couple of hours Justin and family continued to make the preparations for the memorial service that would be held in two days. Justin knew that he didn’t have a lot of time that he had to start to make plans for his son. He knew that a war was coming, and that he would be called up, so he wanted to make sure that everything was in place. Meetings with the lawyers, funeral directors… everything that he could think of. The things that Justin was most grateful for was Brian’s presence. Brian helped him with anything he needed. The older man had helped keep Lucas busy while the others made the phone calls. He had held Justin late at night – letting Justin grieve – giving him the love that Justin desperately needed. 

Brian also gave Justin a reason for forgetting. As Brian held Justin in the darkness of night, Justin felt safe. He felt that he might actually make it through it all. He didn’t know what he would have done if he didn’t have Brian in his life. 

As the two men were laying in bed, wrapped tightly around each other, Justin allowed the peace to encompass him. “Mom is taking Lucas with her back to Pittsburgh. I think that he’ll be okay. Well as okay as he can get anyway. She said she wants to get him in to see a psychologist, so I have to check with the command and see what exactly they allow through Champus.”

“You know I’ll be there is anything happens. Whatever the military won’t cover I will.”

“You don’t have to do that, you know? I’m having all the paperwork to say mom instead of Daphne… the money taken out of my check will go directly there. It’s not like I’ll need it where I’m going.”

Brian closed his eyes, not liking that Justin would soon be gone, but knowing that it had to be done. “Any idea when you’re ship will be heading out?”

“No, not really. We’re on high alert right now. Time will tell where they want to send us.” Justin ran his hand through his hair, letting out a deep breath. “I hate this. I hate not knowing where I’m going, when I’m going, or for how long. I can’t even imagine not being around for Lucas for a year, but that’s what might happen. Who knows how long they will keep us over there, or when this will all end.”

“So you decided not to take the hardship?”

“I thought about it, and my CO said that I could change that if need be. If things got too hard, or if I’m needed to be with Lucas, I can always apply. But for now, I think that I have to do this. They can’t get away with that. I have to try, see if I can make even a little bit of difference. We need everyone that we can get.”

Brian smiled rubbing his cheek on the top of Justin’s head. “The poor recruiters are being overrun right now. It seems like everyone and their mother is wanting to enlist.”

Justin nodded, grateful that the country was behind the military. For so many years he had heard the ‘bad’ things about the military, but now things were different. The times were different. “I think that I need to be around for at least a year, maybe two at the least. Even with all these people signing up now, it will still take that long for them to be trained, and whatnot. Longer if they want to be a pilot or an officer. I can’t leave the guys now. Not now anyway. If things get worse with Lucas then I will. In a second. He’s my first priority.”

“Have you talked to him about this?”

“I asked him what he wanted. He told me he wanted daddy to get the bad guys who took his mommy away.” Justin felt the tears start to gather in his throat remembering his son’s words. 

“He just wants bragging rights when he starts his new school. You know the whole ‘well my daddy is a pilot and fighting the bad guys.’ Type thing.” 

“Most likely. But the second he changes his mind, I’m gone. I’ll file the hardship and be out of there. I won’t put him through any more pain than he already has. He’s going to have enough problems.” Justin wrapped his arm around Brian’s waist, and laid his head on his chest. “All the other kids are going to have their mommy and daddy around… or at least their mommy. Lucas won’t have that. Daph’s been such a huge part of his life, that I know it’s going to cause him some problems. I wish he could have it easy, but I know he won’t.”

“He’s a strong kid, like his daddy. And Gus will be there to protect him, or whatever. He won’t be alone… ever.”

“I love you.”

“I know. Just come home safe and sound. That’s all I want.”

~~~~~~~~~~

TO: LT_Sunshin@hotmail.com   
FROM: bkinney@vangard.net  
DATE: October 24, 2000 02:14PM  
SUBJECT: What I would do

Dear Justin,

So is your ship heading out? How long do you plan on being away? You know that between Vic and the extended family here, you shouldn’t have to worry about Lucas. Vic is so thrilled to have him here in Pittsburgh. Have I told you how sorry I am for what happened? I’m sorry about your friend. I wish that there was something I could do to help ease the pain. I wish I could take you in my arms and just hold you… make it all go away. But I know that right now it’s not possible. 

Honestly… I’m fucking terrified. I’m scared of what might happen to you. I am scared of what you will have to face out there. I guess everyone is a little scared right now. We’re no longer invincible. We were attacked on our own home turf. There was nothing we could have done.

Gus is scared shitless. Everyone is just a little subdued. I just can’t grasp it. I don’t even want to think about it. It’s just too much. But Gus is an angel. Everywhere he goes, he wants to have Lucas with him. You can’t even think about separating them. 

I wonder if Gus is worried that Lucas will leave him too.

It’s frightening how things are here now. The whole economy is just struggling to get back on its feet, and I don’t know if it ever will. At least not anywhere where it was before.

Did I tell you that I had to go on a trip for work? Gus was really freaking out. He wouldn’t let me go. I ended up driving instead of taking a plane just because he refused to let me go. I don’t mind flying, I don’t. But I can’t do that to Gus. Not now anyway. And let’s not even get into what Lucas was doing. I had two extensions to my legs for at least a day until I broke down and decided to drive. 

In time things will get better. I know it. It will just take time, and a lot of understanding. It affected Gus and Lucas the most, I think all children are affected more than us adults. 

Not that we are sane right now. Even Babylon and Woody’s are putting together fundraisers for the victims’ families. It’s nice. Nice to see that we are giving back, that we are trying to help. I know it’s not much, but anything we can do here makes it worthwhile. I think I even convinced Vance to do something at Vanguard. We’ll see how that goes though.

I better let you go. Just know that I miss you and I love you. Keep safe, and when you get done, I’ll be here.

Brian 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

Lieutenant Justin Taylor sat back on his rack and re-reads the latest e-mail printout from Brian. His ship had just pulled out of port the day before, heading toward Afghanistan and whatever lay ahead. He knew that things wouldn’t be easy that they would have a long road a head of them, but Justin knew they would be ready. They had to be. 

He hated that Lucas was having some problems, but every time he would ask his son if he wanted him to come home, Lucas would tell him to fight the bad-guys. Justin knew that without Vic, his mother, and Brian however, Lucas would have been having a harder time. It was nice to hear that Gus and Lucas were sticking up for one another. 

He would have to do something special for the two boys and all of those who have helped take care of his son. Every couple of days he would get a letter from his son, either an e-mail or hand written letter and a couple of pictures. He would get daily reports from his mother on how Lucas was doing, and the latest adventures the young boy was having. Justin only wished he could be a part of it. 

Setting the letter aside, Justin closed his eyes and dreamed about Brian, Gus, and Lucas. Thinking of times when the four men spent together, and what he wanted to do when things settled down.


End file.
